So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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