This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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