Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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