Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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