i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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