med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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