i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
