Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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