You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
