just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
