yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize