So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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