at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
