I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
