i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
