If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
