Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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