Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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