i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize