I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
