she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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