You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my phone needs a breathalizer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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