i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
