Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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