This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I've blown a few things in my day
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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