WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
