Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
