Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
someone threw a dead crab at me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
