its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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