so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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