she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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