I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
