i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize