i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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