A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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