Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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