All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
