My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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