The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
