I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
