I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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