Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
