the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
