You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
