i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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