To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
