Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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