He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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