the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
