Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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