The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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