I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
