at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
