Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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