in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
