closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
