Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
