I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
