We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
