and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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