So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
is wine microwaveable?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
