how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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