Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
