I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
